It hasn't been easy, but I think I'm finally starting to see the light again.

Just trying to be happier, more social, more friendly. It really makes a huge difference, and I actually do feel stronger and more optimistic. And I don't feel like I need to force myself either... which is definitely good and less taxing than before.

Thank you to all the devoted supporters I have... especially God. I hope my faith really grows through this.

Bless you all. I love you. :)

Laid out in front of me is a list of homework assignments to do, but just looking at them makes me feel so stressed and sleepy. In fact, I ate 2 bags of M&M's in the time I took to stare at the paper.
Sumo's over for the weekend again, as his parents are out having the time of their lives in some paradise (again), and he is currently passed out on our kitchen tile, snoring away to his tiny little heart's content. Sometimes I really envy a puppy's life. If only I could pass out without warning or consequence and snore away to my heart's content.

...My grandma just walked by, wearing a red-hot Ferrari vest. *dies*

Enough dilly-dallying.
To be honest, I've been very depressed. A lot of times, I don't even realize it. But other people have noticed and approached me about it. It's gotten to the point where I constantly feel crippled, and this has been taking a huge toll on me. I try my best to "add oil" for myself, give myself motivational pep-talks, pray to God and remember what the Bible says about trials, but at the end of the day, it feels like I've been carrying around a 2-ton boulder the whole day. I don't know how much longer I can continue this, but for the sake of my ultimate goal ... I have to, because that's the only thing I can do right now.  He said he hasn't closed the door on us, but then again, maybe he just doesn't want to directly tell me, "Yes. I have."  I feel like so many things in my life are like the following circumstance: Have Doubt? Too Bad, because there's no way you can find out for sure. Because of this, I always have two paths I could take.

First path: Stick with my decision, no matter:
 1) Whether it will work out or not
 2) How miserable I will be
 3) If it will take a year, two years, three years, etc.
 4) If I end up wanting to kill myself at the end of x number of years

Second path: Let him go and give up.

Looking at these from a completely objective and non-biased perspective, the second path seems to be the wisest choice. But I have consciously chosen the first path, knowing very well of all those consequences. I know I have messed up big time. But I still hope that one day in the future, he will find it in his heart to give me another chance. Meanwhile, my primary task is to rebuild our friendship and trust, and become a much better person. But I know deep down that there is a pretty high likelihood that all of this could amount to nothing, that my efforts could utterly fail and we'd never end up back together. This is something that never stops eating away at me. It's always nagging at me, dragging me down. This is something called Doubt, and it kicks me hard when I'm down.

However, I am trying with everything I've got to change that. So far, I've gotten to the point where I can sort of distract myself from thinking about it for a few hours at a time. During those few hours, I actually feel normal. But I can't trick myself into thinking that there isn't always something there in my heart, eating away at me inside - not even when I think I feel normal. At night, I have insomnia. When I finally do fall asleep, I have nightmares about it and wake up with tears streaming onto my pillow. Every morning when I wake up, I wish I hadn't because right when I regain consciousness, all of these negative things start pouring in again and I lose all motivation and courage to face the day. It's been like this for a few months now; I don't want to see the day when I finally crash, but it's probably inevitable at the rate things have been going. I've been getting better at acting like nothing is wrong among my classmates. No one suspects a thing at school, which is good. I don't need to be reminded when I'm finally with people who are detached from the situation.

This being said, people outside of school aren't as clueless since they actually know what's going on. Namely, Ann. Last night after fellowship, she came up to me and gave me a lot of viable advice.
She said the following:
1) Don't think too much about the situation. Things have already happened, and there's nothing you can really do about it.
2) Be less depressed; figure out a way to jump out of your current perspective, because it's only making you miserable. When you're depressed, everyone else around you is unhappy too; when you're happy, the people around you will be happy for you too. Life is supposed to be happy, and there's no point in dwelling on things that make you miserable. Time is precious, time is money. You are still young, so bounce back quickly. Tell yourself, "I've done the best I could to fix the situation, and now it's time to let go and move on with my life. The next one will be better." In 5 years, you will look back and say, "I was so stupid. I wasted so much time, I should have let go earlier."
3) Wally seems to have changed; he seems like he wants to play and meet a lot of new friends and distance himself from his old friends and church. Once people change, they will never turn back. You should make new friends too.
4) Even if you and Wally end up getting back together, things won't be the same. There will always be something there between you guys.

After I told her about my decision, she said this:
Okay, but personally, I don't think you should keep it up for more than one year. As you go along, observe carefully and when you feel like you've done the best you could and it won't make a difference, let go. He told you that he hasn't closed the door on your relationship, but how do you know if that's true or not? Maybe he's just "fu yan" you because he doesn't want to answer. This is when you have to decide for yourself, whether it is true or not. But no matter what, you have to learn to really love yourself. If you don't love yourself, other people won't love you either. Think for yourself. Live for yourself.

And then she said to call her whenever, and I could go over to her house too.

I've found that God places people in my life who offer me insight and support when I need it the most. I feel blessed. I was pretty surprised at what she had to say to me. When I asked her, "How did you know I'm miserable?" Her: "It's obvious, you can tell."

...I need to work more on my countenance in public.

I heard that saying somewhere, and as of late, I am beginning to agree with that statement more and more by the day. Right now, there are two songs that are very encouraging and speak to my heart. They also describe almost perfectly my sentiments and thoughts. *Warning: This could get kind of long.*

Zhang Zhen Yue - Yearning Is a Type of Sickness
(张震岳 - 思念是一种病)

When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road

In a lifetime, how many times are you too late
in discovering you’ve already lost what’s most important to you
Sudden realizations are long gone, why is it only after making mistakes
that you’re willing to believe that you are the one who was wrong
They say that’s just life, you have to try and learn from experience
Try enduring falling tears or hiding yourself away from the feelings you should have
I can’t plead with the world to stop turning,
I know avoidance isn’t useful at all
It’s just that right now, especially at night,
I’ll still think of things that are hard to forget
I think my yearning is a kind of sickness, for so long I haven’t been able to recover from it

When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road
I often think I feel you breathing behind my ears, but I’ve never felt the breath of your deepest thoughts

Frantically forgetting that the people beside us need love and concern,
excuses always increase the distance between us
Unwittingly, unknowingly, we’re always busy complaining and disobeying,
yet we’re unwilling to look back and examine ourselves
Thinking of what foolish things we’ve actually done,
perhaps it’s God testing me
It’s just that this wound requires a bit of time,
it’s just that I yearn for everything that has passed
Those people and things are far from me,
and we eventually will also find distance turned to memories

When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road
I often think I feel you breathing behind my ears, but I’ve never felt the breath of your deepest thoughts
Oh yearning is a kind of sickness, oh yearning is a kind of sickness, a kind of sickness

For how long have you not said I love you,
for how long have you not embraced the people you love
When this world is no longer so lovely,
only love can make things better
I believe, it’s still not too late, ignore those constant disruptions
Don’t make unhappy things stop your progress,
I’m just afraid you won’t speak, just afraid you won’t act
Don't let the regret continue, it’s still not too late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWJt4jITgQ4
(Yes, I know there is a lot of PDA in here.. don't watch it if it makes you gag. :D Just listen.)

Zhang Zhen Yue - Little Yu
(张震岳 - 小宇)

There are always some surprising turns in life, for example when I met you
Your pair of clear gentle eyes appeared in my dream
My love is just like a cloud that has nowhere to stay in your sky
How I long to melt into periods of light rain to moisten the soil of your heart

No matter what the future turns out to be, at least we're very happy right now
No matter what the outcome turns out to be, at least the person I miss is you
I won't treat it as a game, because I'm sincere towards you

There are always things I shouldn't mention, for fear that you'll fall into a difficult choice
I keep the selfish side of my feelings hidden in the dark
My love is just like a boat that has nowhere to anchor in your heart's lake
Searching for a beautiful harbor, hoping to end to its vagrant drifting

I don't care what the future turns out to be, at least we're very happy right now
I don't care what the outcome turns out to be, at least the person I miss is you
I don't care what the future turns out to be, but I want to see you everyday
I don't care what the outcome turns out to be, I just really want to be with you

If there's still no way for you to believe me, it's really okay, I'll quietly leave

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtuIBF5Nnz8
(Again, if clowns make you uncomfortable, don't watch. Just listen. n__n )

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Both of these songs are written by the same person. If you listened to them with the lyrics, you'd see why I find such comfort and resonance with them. I think the first song describes my thoughts much more accurately than the second song, but the second song speaks to me in a different way. In any case, I have both on repeat.

Please pray for me. If you are not religious (my darling Hyo), then please wish me well; you may excuse yourself from reading the following since I know it's not your cup of tea. :P
I have to make things right with God - that's even more important than making things right with people, because God is the ultimate solution to all of life's problems. He has disciplined me because He loves me; He wants the best for me and He hopes that I may grow stronger and closer to Him because I am his child, He is my Father. The Bible says, "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son" (Hebrews 12:5-6). This is an eye-opening perspective and it sheds a great deal of light on the current situation. I had been sinning against God and gradually drifting farther away from Him, and now He is calling me back to His side. The least I could do is answer His call by humbling myself before Him and repenting. I am a sinner. But in Jesus Christ I may be washed clean of my sin - this is the beauty of God's love for me. I have received grace that I have done nothing to deserve, and I have received unconditional, unfathomable love from my Creator and Lord. After asking for forgiveness, the only thing left to do is to repent from my sin. I will give it my 100% and repent. And I will pray with all my heart and continue to pray in this manner. Thank you for giving me another chance to repent, Lord. Thank you for disciplining me. Thank you for bringing me back to You, after all these years of vagrant drifting. Thank you for loving me while I am so unloveable and even rebel against you. Please give me the guidance and wisdom to solve this situation in a way that is pleasing to You. I pray also for Wally, that you may tend to his wounds and allow him to feel Your unchanging love. I pray that he will also seek comfort in You always. In Jesus' name, Amen.